I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
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Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
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The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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