i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
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There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
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Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos