I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
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You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
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Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society