But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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