I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
