Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
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i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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