A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Randomize
