moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
