I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
