I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
