My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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