I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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