Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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