The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
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I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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