why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
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I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
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He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
What happened to fro yo and sex?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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