All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
It's official drugs can't kill me
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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