My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
25 Porn Addicts Admit Their Biggest Pet Peeves
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH