This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize