i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Randomize
