and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
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This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
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All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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