fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
