My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
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He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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