just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
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and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
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I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.