I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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