Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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