I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
