Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i think i have two assholes
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
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so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
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Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
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