i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
