My friends, they love my intelligence
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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