I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
