I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
