i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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