I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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