I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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