He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
