Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
