My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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