I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
No I am not eating basil off your cock
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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