I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians