can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
