Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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