like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize