she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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