I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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