Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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