I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
