Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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