i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
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On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
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I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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