you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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