I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
