I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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